This was written about a month ago and was going to be posted the week I wrote it. I now feel what I’m about to write about is the reason it wasn’t posted.
—- I used to let fear control me but there comes a point where if you let your fear control your life you’re no longer you, but your fear. When I look back at what was making me afraid I realize now how silly it was and how much time I lost because of it. Allowing yourself to overcome your fear and do things outside of your comfort zone helps you to grow. After getting married I felt that I had lost my identity because I put my entire heart and soul and everything I had into my relationship. I took on my husbands passions and became content instead of passionate. Slowly coming out of that toxic thought process I am learning how to be independent again and find my true passions and desires. That said, it’s not as if I don’t have my bad days where I revert back but I encourage you to push past whatever it is, fear or otherwise that is holding you back from, YOU.
To quote Finn the Human- “You’re letting your brain dial turn your fear volume up.” —-
At the beginning of April my husband started a new job and had to go away for training. I knew those 5 weeks were going to be very difficult but little did I know how difficult. With 3 more weeks yet to go I am learning a lot about myself.
Do you ever wonder if you talk yourself into things? Like, the more you think about something the more power you give it? Well, my biggest worry before he left was that I wouldn’t be able to sleep. The first two days, I slept great and thought-”Wow, maybe I was wrong!” But, as time went on it was more and more difficult to fall asleep and then actually stay asleep. Night terrors & nocturnal panic attacks (I didn’t even know those were a thing). My subconscious is dealing with the anxieties I didn’t know I have, while I sleep.
Looking back on the “fear” post I was going to submit-I honestly need to take my own advice now. I am my own worst enemy. I think I depend too much on my husband to make me feel a certain way. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until he wasn’t here and I am forced to deal with everything.
Since Josh leaving there are a lot of things that I have come to a conclusion about. It’s always been obvious to me that when I’m alone it forces me to deal with things that I would otherwise distract myself from. And having to deal with those things is never easy and honestly can be so overwhelming, that I am unable to do anything else. In the weeks since he’s left, my motivation has all but gone. Eating healthy has gone out the window, I’ve stopped working out completely, it’s hard for me to even get out of bed in the morning. Going to work has been good for me because I’m out of the house but I’m exhausted the whole time I’m there because I haven’t been sleeping. I really do strive to be a person that can go after their goals and just be proud of what I’m doing-whether it’s being a good worker or being the best wife I can be for my husband. I just feel like since getting married I have definitely changed as a person and not saying that that’s a bad thing or how I’ve changed is bad but I think it has been unproductive in the growth I need to become the best person I can be. It’s not Josh’s fault it’s just what has happened through time as I’ve become comfortable in the relationship and allowed myself to be content. I haven’t been allowing myself to continue to be the person I am and grow separately but together. Let this be a reminder to myself and hopefully the starting point in me growing mentally, physically, and independently. I want to complete my goals and I want to be proud of myself in doing them but I need to relinquish the power and realize that sometimes that means I can’t do it ALL by myself.
My anxiety is definitely linked to my hormones. So, I am trying to get all of that sorted. I’m bringing you all along for the journey. I have started making changes. The other night I went out to dinner by myself and at first I was absolutely terrified but as I sat there and enjoyed my beer the fear subsided and all that was left was empowerment! It felt so good to sit there with my thoughts and enjoy my meal, quiet, having conversations with the waitress and feeling more like myself.
My questions for you guys are how do you deal with being lonely?
Do you find it difficult after being in a long term relationship to remember who you were before it?
Any tips and tricks for anxiety and trouble sleeping?
Tulsi Holy Basil Tea
Bach Rescue Pastilles for stress
Tranquil Sleep Tablets
I’ve been giving “Natural Calm”-Magnesium a try-haven’t noticed a difference just yet on that.
Stay tuned for my make up bag staples-all cruelty free and organic!
As always, thank you for reading.